引きこもり

Today was weird, I think because I was without my medicine for a week it's like, gonna take an extra minute to be normal. I just feel some weird combination of restless and understimulated. I wanted to do nothing today and ended up scrolling on Tiktok for many hours. Like the whole day gone now. I'm just inbetween a lot of things. My doctor's appointments, school, living. I also am not sure I wanna continue taking commissions, it helps out but I kind of get so anxious about it. If I take payment before or if I take payment after it doesn't matter, I seem to lose sleep over it. But the cats need dental and honestly with bills from the Christmas presents (I stretched myself a bit thin but I wanted to get my family presents this year ) I'm like in a constant state of "I need money!!" I mean that's why I'm going to school, I want a job that I can at least help my parents and contribute. They help me out so much I want to help back. I know getting healthy is meaningful for them too, which is why I'm doing so much but like!!! I don't want them to work until they die... I want them to be able to rest.

Anyway, maybe I'll be able to accomplish that. I have big goals but I am... determined. Regardless, hopefully with some schooling I'll be able to use that to at least get a gig as a tutor. It would require talking to people but it's something I'm good at. Or maybe I could try to get into proofreading?? But I'm not that good at remembering grammar rules, maybe if I take enough notes I can do that.

Web coding I do want to try to continue to learn but it'll be on my own time I fear, I want to be able to take my time with concepts and put them into repetitive practice. Eventually I'll get gud and make my own shit. For now I use templates.

This week was rough, I was without one of my medications and I thought I'd be okay and turns out I was very much not. My emotions were really dysregulated and my anger was disproportionate to the situations I was getting angry in. I hate that, I hate feeling out of control and lashing out violently because I can't contain it and I have no means of coping with that level of rage. Over such stupid shit too, I don't like being that person. Not to say that anger is bad and I should never feel it, but one thing about ADHD is that usually the emotions are big, instant, and explosive. I tend to isolate myself because when I don't I yell at people, throw things about, slam doors, things I do not like. Medication helps it feel not as like, a train without breaks. But I thought just having the two bigger ones it'd be fine but not having the full cocktail was apparently detrimental. And the thing is it's a cycle, I get explosively angry, yell at people, things, and then I feel remorse, guilt almost instantly then a spiral down where I feel like I should run into traffic because I feel like a monster. Today was that day, but one of my best friends bought me a meal and my parents went all the way out to pick up the meds I was missing. I am super fortunate to have such a support system around me even when I feel like I have nobody sometimes.

What's been going on OVERALL though has been kind of a whirlwind. So the school I was going to was the Degrees+ program at Golden Gate University for the better part last year and this year. My experience there has not been good really. Their organization is really unprofessional and they don't cross-communicate between departments and leave it to their students to do most of that for them. Which is... really fucking annoying when you have to talk to a lot of people, so you end up CC'ing a lot of people in one bulk email and hoping for the best. Also I hated their fucking Discord, they're like "you can ask other students for help with questions or talk about things!" Meanwhile it's full of the most corporate activities that I am not sure had many participants and frankly it was just dead. Like when I left the last post made was from fucking March. Also despite being a class primarily online and of course attracting disabled students, I don't think they were that accessible. I switched my major from Applied Computing to Liberal Studies because unfortunately my math disability is too severe for me to take classes that involve quantitive reasoning or outright math. Cool, I'll just take more English related classes or Social Sciences, right?? No. They e-mailed me to inform me they were "teaching out" my degree. Which is bad for a few reasons, the major one is that I can't actually continue because they weren't going to add more classes I could actually take and the advisor informed me that Golden Gate University most likely wouldn't grant me a waiver on math courses. So how the fuck would I continue? I failed twice already and had to pay for the classes out of pocket because of that. That's so fucking annoying. Like realistically what did they want me to do? Continue to fail? Because they make the classes so short and they want you to complete assignments in an unrealistic time frame if you are disabled. Because on top of the dyscalculia I have a shit ton of doctor's appointments and no offense school but I need at least a day to recover depending on what the appointment was.

Anyway because of that I had to sort out my options. At first I was ready to give up and pursue the uncertainty of making a webcomic, but my parents struggle to support me financially and I can't blame them. I'm 35, I should have a job or something. So I was like give up on college and just find a job? But finding a job I can do is tricky because most of them, want you to have some sort of degree. So it narrowed me down more, I didn't want to continue with Golden Gate University because it was clear they're a school who only cares about Accessibility in terms of what they can legally get away with denying. Then I was like, well I guess transferring out is the way to go but I had to find a school. It was hard to find schools that weren't directly for profit. Because for profit schools are what have fucked me so far and my ass is sore. One school I had checked out was University of Maryland and holy shit they did not waste time throwing me red flags. For starters one morning they blew up my phone by calling me like 10 times in succession. That's not an exaggerration. They were acting like they were physically going to die if I did not talk with them. I have never had that experience after asking a school for information. Usually they call maybe once then leave me alone. Even after that day they kept calling until I like unsubscribed from the calls via text. Which btw they were ALSO texting me a bunch. I unsubscribed from the texts too, but then shockingly. They kept attempting to contact me by any means necessary with information I don't even remember providing it was fucking scary. I had to actually block their number because they still call me actually. The next one was RMCAD because art school, but then the more I looked at reviews and the ease of getting accepted it literally gave me the heebie jeebies. The Art Institute was like that. Fortunately after I said I was no longer interested they stopped contacting me, unlike the University of Maryland which still tries to contact me. Like fucking leave me alone bro. Then I settled on Arizona State University because it seemed like one that I could actually be accepted in and they're non-profit, they're a public research university so they get a lot of their funding from the government. Which means students pay a lot less for tuition! Plus with their online courses, instead of taking four classes at once for full-tim you only take two which is going to work really well for me I feel. And I got accepted! Which I didn't expect, when I was talking to the enrollment advisor he was telling me I'd have to do Earned Admission (which you pay $25 dollars each for four classes related to the degree of your choice, then if you pass all of them you pay again to have those classes added onto your transcript when you're admitted, which ends up being $1,600 which is pretty cheap for four classes tbh but I was scared about it but Dad seemed sure we could so I was going to do it), but I ended up not needing to do it! Which was very nice. So I start that in January and instead of being an Associate's degree it's a full Bachelor's in English. So that's what's going on with me these days!

There was a lot of stress, but fortunately it's over now and things can sort of get back to normal. For school I mean, I kind of kept having to play catch-up because I messed up with Algebra in the beginning. I don't know if I did super amazing because of that (mostly participation took the biggest hit) but I got through it. I had a brief break for a week between semesters where I got to rest a little and get used to my new medication. Which! I got Adderall! Extended release. I've been wanting to get on some kind of stimulant for a long time because I knew it would help like I just knew it would. And it is so much. My social anxiety when outside is diminished greatly, there's less racing thoughts, I still struggle with intrusive thoughts but it's much easier to kind of push them out and redirect my focus to something else. My executive dysfunction has also improved so much, switching tasks, starting tasks, and a little bit prioritizing what needs to be done is a lot smoother. It's helping so much even with PMDD, I've mostly been able to relax lol That sounds so innocuous but I've never been able to be chill. Even when I wasn't doing anything my thoughts would overwhelm me, I'd get overstimulated so fast, and then I'd be cranky and short with everyone in my life. It's not like it got rid of my flaws but they're much easier to manage now, I feel normal. Well, as normal as I can be lmfao

Medical updates, aside from the adderall start, is sort of in the process of scheduling waiting for insurance at the moment. I need to get my MAP card in the mail from renewal and then I can schedule referred stuff like my sleep study, podiatrist, and ENT shit. It's kind of an annoying process to get it but I'm really fortunate that they're so willing to help me out despite me being constantly frantic about it. Hopefully though! I'll be getting better sleep within the next few months and maybe my ankles fixed. Kind of bizzare I went a span of my life where my ankles were in any capacity okay like this apparently they're pretty fucked up internally. The ligaments and what not, I think it's become a problem because of not only my weight gain but just being older and the stress from one job in particular when I was younger. The tl;dr is that I sprained them when I was 12/13 and I never wore a boot, and back then there weren't a lot of protections in place for students. So they just made me run laps in PE with a sprained ankle so it never healed properly. We didn't get the boot because we couldn't afford it or Mom was just neglectful, hard to say in all honesty. I don't necessarily blame Mom for her neglect, it obviously had an impact on me but there was also so much shit going on at that age. But that's a story for another time. ENT is because my nose is weird and if I pull on my cheeks I seem to breathe better and I don't think that's normal. It's always kinda been that way but again, it got worse because presently I'm fat. Hoping that changes when I'm in more of a position to excercise, if I'm able to sleep better and my ankles no longer "pop" when I try to speed up it would be a lot easier to do.

Life wise not much else has been going on aside from that, I don't have a job still but I am taking an IT certification course this semester and getting a certificate for it. Then maybe I can get IT related jobs, which tend to pay a lot better. I don't know if I want to live on my own, I've been flip flopping on it a lot. Not necessarily with my parents but maybe up north with a friend? I just don't think I'd do well completely alone to be frank, I wouldn't be completely helpless that's not what I mean I can function somewhat okay but I think it'd just depress me. I don't know that's for future me to worry about. Boots is a year old now! He's a big boy and still growing in length I think? He's doing quite well and is really healthy, Squeakers I am a little worried about. He keeps getting this rash on his tummy and none of the doctors can seem to figure out what's causing it. I think it's the rugs in the house, personally. I'm not sure. Fiona is also doing well, and Socksy is doing okay too. She did lose a couple of her teeth, but she had dental (that's why the teeth are gone) and her other teeth are doing pretty well. Mom makes sure to brush her teeth now, she's a smart lil gal. Marco lives in Seattle still and he's lost a ton of weight, he walks everywhere is the main reason. He probably eats better since Mom usually has a monopoly on the kitchen here. I hope he's cleaning his house tho and not letting the dust build up, his room was so dusty when he left I had to wait for them to clean it because I couldn't breathe lmfao But maybe he's better about that now too? Or he took my advice and hires someone to clean occassionally, I don't know. And Zoe's b-day is this month! They'll be 22 I believe yes. But that's a big update because it's been a few months since I was concentrating on school and trying not to kill myself over the stress lol

I've been so busy with school stuff and doctor's visits I haven't had a super lot of time to work on my website so it's slowed down a lot. I had a lot to catch up on, like months worth really. It became kind of a full time job on its own because I've only been able to take breaks now and then. Processing stuff I've kinda put off, the therapist I was hoping to talk to didn't pan out. To be honest finding a therapist is really hard. Like really hard. I'm using Open Path Collective which is very useful but in Texas there just isn't a lot of variety. And I can't say it's that surprising given how hostile the enviornment is here. The good news is that I might get on some stimulant medication and then I can be a real boy! Kind of excited about it because I've heard it stops racing thoughts/head too full, I think it'll be bizzare to have a completely quiet brain. But GOOODDD IT WOULD BE SO NICE.

At the moment I'm procrastinating on my participation because it requires posting many times in succession. I always feel a little weird and wonky posting so much in a row. Plus there's a weird guy in sociology being obtuse about gender and then like gaslighting me on his weird ass responses. Like, talk to me about forced femininity and the impact it's had later in my life where suddenly EVERYTHING I want has to be pink now or I'll die. Also if Meg reads this: I have your messages saved, I'm not quite brave enough to respond directly right now. But it meant a lot to me (thus I am keeping them). Also your cat is adorable.

So tired of symptom managing if I'm honest. Really tired of everything, it's not as bad as before where PMDD was exacerbating exisiting issues. I'm just kind of exhausted both financially and just my position, living in Texas has been a nightmare start to finish. I would never recommend anyone come live here. It well and truly sucks so much ass. Not that the temperature is that much different anywhere else, I think it's hot everywhere except super far north? Maybe. Or overseas I don't know. I spent like the whole day dissociating, escaping, whatever you wanna call it. I have assignments to do and shit, truly hope that the psych is good. Therapy didn't really work out for a dumb reason, I shouldn't be so picky but if I am to trust someone to talk to regularly they have to have good vibes. And blowing up my phone and email because I'm not there in literally 4 minutes over (I was turning on my fucking computer) is really silly. Especially after she rescheduled like 5 times because "conflict". Shouldn't you have a planner if you're a therapist? I imagine she has multiple clients, I don't want someone disorganized like that I'm already well and fully disorganized on my own.

In better news, finally an appointment with a pulmanologist next month. Originally it was gonna be in fucking OCTOBER, and I was like nah please get me in sooner. This sleep shit is seriously ruining everything I've got going right now right alongside the PMDD shit. I just want it taken out of me, I know I won't get that privlege, but it'd be so cool to be uterus free. Tired of them they yap too damn much. Boobs and uterus, just yank em out bud.

The dream is to be fully androgynous, I don't really care about the lower stuff except for the pmdd really. I'm kind of ambivalent, it serves a function! And frankly after hearing about testicular torsion and the weird shit dicks do I don't know if I would want one if magically I could do that. LIKE THE MAINTENENCE IS CRAZY, like I'm used to what I've got so it's not really that that's the issue. I used to have dysphoria about it in high school, I didn't know what that was until the past few years. I never really talked about that with anybody, I do remember that one butch girl who came up to me and bluntly asked, "would you date a girl?" or fuck a girl or something it was SUPER blunt. Did my best NO WAY I WOULD NEVER. Meanwhile I had a crush on the barbie girl rugby player. I just thought certain things were normal and then when it wasn't I tried to pray the gay away bc mom was a bit heavy handed about that. I'm rambling because I'm bored. Goodnight !

The pmdd just hits real hard. I'm going to see a new psychiatrist about it in a few weeks. But I'll survive, I just have to scream. I'm processing stuff too, give me 3-5 business days. Some cats as penance.